Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I need 100 compliments

Rant warning:  I'm pretty sure I'm all out of placid today.

I am lucky, and I know it. I have my sister, Glenda the Good Witch, to help me navigate the waters as we try to move my fairly sick Mom to a retirement place.  So many people have to deal with the adjustments, the packing , the cleaning and property sale issues along with the financial planning and forecasting issues.  I have only to do the logistics, Glenda will handle the money things.  I am lucky.

I am lucky.
 I am Lucky
  I am LUCKY.

I. don't. feel. lucky. I feel furious and want to spew my crabbiness all over my lovely blog friends.

I would try spewing on strangers, but it's hard to make them sit still for this sort of thing.

I'm crabby because I'm sad, it's hard to shepherd anyone through such a major transition and I know I'm not alone, but after one day of looking at places I think:

I am overwhelmed.  I am a bad daughter; This is not about me. I only have to drive and smile, I need to suck it up. My mom really should have planned or saved or something. Who the hell is going to pack this whole place?  I do not deserve to be snapped at just because she is Tired - Scared - needs a drink - not in charge - in denial.

Do I seem overwhelmed?  I meant to mention, O-Ver-Whelmed.  In case I forgot.

So... my story is nothing new. Complicated relationship with Mom who has always acted like drinking and pretending will make things turn out all right. Not a dime saved because she has been living beyond her means.  For twenty years.  I have tried to address this problem, also for twenty years, only to be shot down and called (mild) names by my sibling and mom who would like to pretend.

Meanwhile, I save like an ant. Plan for my future. Now I am going to go through the misery of finding a way to grow old without a plan or money -even though I am the ant- on behalf of Mom who would still like to look at 2 bedroom apartments with granite counter tops and options to add nursing assistance!  Much nicer than my vintage 1952 kitchen. Much.

Augh. There is not answer. I know that. Just feel my pain and pay me a compliment.  Bearded Bob has already started.  At 3pm today he texted me: "You are a good daughter".

Boy, I love that bearded guy.


  1. Feeling sorry for you. It's a tremendous task. BUt I am sure you will manage.

    1. Thanks, Diandra. I will manage and you have helped.

  2. You are a good daughter, there are many who would just walk away from the whole mess and not speak to their parent again. You are doing all the stuff that has to be done and that is stronger and better than a great many in the world.
    Hugs and sparkles

    1. Hearing that I am a good daughter never gets old! Maintain a space between our lives is my goal- walk away would come with a different bunch of heartaches!

  3. Not only is she having to make and grieve change - you too. Change sometimes really stinks. I make trips that is an all day plane ride. My welcome isn't to welcomed. But, as T the engineer says - it is the right thing to do. It's because you are a good daughter.

    1. And you are a good daughter too. We have to like the people we turn out to be, above all, right?
      So now I will add to my gratitude list: "I get to cry in my own car and not on a plane." Good enough.

  4. Yes, you are overwhelmed, but I'm pretty sure she is too; and scared about moving somewhere new. The fact that you are this upset by both the turn of events and her failure to plan for this eventuality shows just how much you care. She's very lucky to have someone like you - someone who genuinely wants the best for her - acting as her champion.
    You can do this.

    1. You are so right Aliln, this is far harder for her than for me. I recognize that a lot of my outraged feelings stem from her rejection of all the offers to help her avoid this trouble... and that is self-centered as hell!

      People go a the pace they go- Mom was still acting insulted by the suggestion that she is unable to cope alone as recently as 3 months ago when she began falling out of bed. I added bed rails to her bed in January...

      There is a lot of opportunity to let go of myself and grow and find peace with not being in control of her life- even at this stage I truly can not be in charge of much. I am just shepherding. If I do this well, I will have new skills in being zen-like in the face of crazy statements. That's a skill I am sure will get a load of use!!

      Getting old is not for sissies, folks.


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